Plain old mad.
These are the emotions that encompass my life. This is not a part of grief that anyone warned me about or I’d ever expected yet this is the number one feeling I’ve had since the day Joe died.
I’m mad this is my life. I’m mad I feel so far behind. I’m mad I’m parenting alone. I’m mad I don’t get invited to couple’s parties. I’m mad everything falls on me. I’m mad I sleep in bed alone. I’m mad no one brings me freaking coffee in the morning. I’m mad.
I’ve gone as far as to quietly curse my sweet, dead husband out as I fumble with the trash to the curb or try and make sense of the water bill- I mean is this damn thing monthly or quarterly and why do I have two? Don’t even begin to ask how pissed I get when I realize I can only have one glass of wine because I have to be the one who drives home. It’s infuriating.
Almost every single happy life event since he died has first been met with a twinge of jealousy. I am bitter. As friends call to tell me they’re engaged, building a house, even the birth of their gorgeous babies, I have to fake a smile when my first thoughts in the back of my head are, “this should have been us.”
For all the good will I try and put into the world, I cannot seem to let go of the life we had planned, the vacations we’d go on, the couple friends we’d make, the hard times we’d battle together, even the fights we’d have. I miss blaming someone else for the mess. Now I see the dishes piled in the sink knowing full well I ate on every plate and am the only one around here who is going to do anything about it.
Living in a constant state of anger is a terrible place to set up residency. It’s lonely and filled with frown lines. And frown lines is where I decided– I’ve had enough.
As I struggled to take our Christmas lights down, the ones I never got to fully work this year because I couldn’t figure out the surge protector and simply gave up. I spotted a large lantern that had blown off my front porch and into the side yard.
The glass was shattered on each side and I noticed the rust all around the handle as it’d sat in the rain for sometime now. The lantern had been purchased back in 2011 at Home Goods. I tied a big bow on the top and it sat on a table at our wedding as a place to hold cards from our guests. I loved this lantern, just a silly purchase but thought I’d reached some type of party planning extraordinaire status as it oozed class and creativity.
Now here it sits.
This stupid lantern was never supposed to be in the rain and broken, yet here it was. I could hold on to it for sentimental reasons or do what I know needs to be done. It’s time to say goodbye. I put on gloves and carefully picked up each glass chard, fully seeing the symbolism as I placed the pieces in a bag and headed for the trash.
Sometimes, it’s just time to let go. For me, it’s time to let go of the anger and it felt good to slam that glass filled bag into the garbage. A giant F U to the mess.
It is time to let go of the life I had planned so I can find joy in the very life all around me. Finding strength in knowing I am so very capable. My future still matters.
I am here. Right here. And big plans await.